Love and Hate
by TheGirlWhoDancesWithAlphas
Summary: There is a thin line between love and hate, and Stiles assumes that he's on the wrong side. (UPDATED!)


"I'm not sure why you hate me, but I'm sorry for whatever I did."

The words echoed through Derek's mind over and over, Hanging him because well, they weren't true, they couldn't be true because Stiles couldn't possibly be sorry. He didn't have anything to be sorry for, it wasn't his fault. The kid couldn't control the way he smelled, couldn't control the fact that his smile, and his eyes and the stupid way he sucked on straws, made Derek's stomach drop.

It wasn't his fault that Derek didn't really know how to deal with it, his stupid overwhelming feelings for this 17 year old boy. The ones that made him struggle to keep control, made him warm, and happy, and feel like such a perverted pedophile all at the same time.

But that wasn't Stiles fault either. For gods sakes the guy didn't even know what he was doing. It would be different if he knew it, if he knew that it fucked with Derek's head so bad and he just kept doing it. Kept sucking on straws so hard it hollowed his cheeks, and moaning ridiculously when he ate good food, if he knew it drove Derek crazy when he gave him the awkward side hugs, or ran his fingers through his hair.

But he didn't know, he couldn't possibly know, because how could Derek possibly tell him, how could he tell a 17 year old male human that he liked him so much that it physically hurt sometimes? How could he tell him that he was worried about his safety just about every second of every day? He was afraid he would do something stupid and get himself hurt. How did he tell him that he spent time thinking of ways to keep him safe, as often as he spent time thinking about grabbing him by the face and kissing the grin off of it. Which to be completely honest, he did, a lot!

It wasn't Stiles fault that the only Derek knew how to deal with these ridiculous pent up feelings he was carrying around with him, was to make Stiles hate him. That made sense didn't it, if Stiles hated him then he wouldn't be there, if he wasn't there he couldn't get hurt. He couldn't get kidnapped, and beaten, and emotionally destroyed. But of course, like everything else in Derek's life it had to backfire. Mostly because Stiles didn't hate him, because Stiles was just too god damn perfect for that now wasn't he, he had to go and think it was all his fault. Derek really should have realized that his reaction would be to think that he hated him. That he was doing something wrong and Derek wanted to hit his head against a wall, and call him names and, well do pretty much every horrible thing that he had ever done to the boy.

It had been five days since he spoke to Stiles, and he was still panicking about what to say. Trying to figure out how to explain himself he had spent the past week so frustrated that he didn't even notice that Stiles showed up with Scott until they were pushing their way in the door. Stiles mumbling, something about Scott and goblins, raging on about Scott getting over himself to ask Derek for help.

And well, Derek didn't really have any time to think through what he was going to say anymore because Stiles was standing in his front room yelling through his house.

"Sour wolf, I know you're here. Scott needs your help."

What the hell was he supposed to do, say no? Ha, that's laughable, Scott was pack, obnoxious, a terrible beta, stubborn and sometimes he wanted to kick him in the face, but he was pack.

So he walked down the hall, he helped Stiles bandage Scott's arm, ignoring how awkward the situation was, pretending that he didn't just want to reach over and hold Stiles' hand and tell him it would all be allright so he would stop jittering. He rubbed a salve on the bite, and told Scott to go lay down before sitting down on the couch with Stiles.

" so sorry for like invading your house I mean I had meant to just like leave you alone from like now until forever because you know how Scott is an…"

"I think I love you"

"d he went… wait what?" Stiles demanded, confused and flustered looks battling for dominance over his features.

He probably should have waited until Stiles at least finished his sentence but apparently that concept was lost on him. Apparently the only thing Derek Hale was worse at than apologizing, was planning, and the only thing he was worse at than planning, was executing said plan.

He rung his hands nervously, "I uh, I think I love you?" he half asked, not because he wasn't sure. Rather because he wasn't sure that it was okay for him to say.

"And why the hell would you think that" Stiles asked.

Derek frowned, "I don't think actually. I know. I know that I love you"

Stiles just sort of gaped at him.

"You don't have to love me back or anything, I just think that you should know that I don't hate you" he said eyes never leaving where his hands were clasped tight in his lap.

Stiles was quiet and Derek should have been happy considering how he was always telling Stiles to shut up but now it just made him nervous. It made his heart beat a little faster than it already was, which was dangerous considering he was already bordering on pounding-out-of-his-chest-levels.

"Derek you always slam me into things," Stiles argued

Derek nodded.

"Like everything, buildings, walls, steering wheels, not to mention the throat ripping threats, how the hell am I not supposed to come to the conclusion that you hate me?"

Derek shrugged, "I guess I never grew out of the tugging pigtails phase. He hoped, maybe it would diffuse some of the tension in the room because he was honestly so close to choking on it.

Stiles rolled his eyes and laughed, "I don't love you" he said.

Derek nodded, standing up go see if Scott needed some water or something, it would be awkward but less awkward than sitting on the couch and listening to all the reasons that Stiles didn't love him. Especially since he already knew them, since Derek had listed them to himself a million times while trying to justify his actions.

"I don't love you, but… I could try." Stiles said from behind him, "If you give me a chance."

Derek sat back down, half out of relief and half because he wasn't sure if he could actually stand up. This must be what shock feels like; he had never felt it over something good before.

They sat there silently for a while; Eventually Stiles rested his head on Derek's shoulder.

"Why me" he asked a while later running a finger over the lines on Derek's hand.

"Because everyone else in the world pales in comparison." He said honestly, and it was true, because everyone he had met since Stiles just seemed boring. Nobody could make his heart flutter in the same way, and as much as he hated it, Stiles had gotten under his skin and broken through so many of his walls without even trying, and if he was being honest it utterly terrified him.

"Who knew you could be nice" he said laughing.

"I can be nice if I want to…" Derek replied

Stiles smiled. "Love has made you soft Sour Wolf"

Derek didn't really know how to respond to that, because it had. Love had made him weak and stronger all at the same time and he didn't know if it was worth the tradeoff but he didn't have any say in the matter. "I know it terrifies me" he admitted.

Stiles frowned.

"It's not a bad thing to let people in Derek. Not everyone in the world is here to hurt you, your pack loves you, Even Scott, regardless of if he'll admit it or not. You're a great alpha, but you'd be a better one if you let people in."

Derek frowned, mostly because he knew Stiles was right. God, the kid was always right, and Derek hated that he loved it about him.

"I let you in." Derek countered squeezing his hand softly.

"It's a start"

Derek nodded because it was a start and he might have been a little screwed up at times, he might be guarded and a little mean but this, this was a start. If he could do this, who knows where the future might lead.


End file.
